Do you love me?

For a living, I ask people what's wrong. What pains them? From there I help them brainstorm the root cause of the problem and together we talk through potential solutions and try them one by one until we are successful. It is not easy to dig through the root causes and often I'd rather just jump to a solution, but this way of thinking has somehow carried over into my personal life.

Last night I had the most profound dream. I was sitting and talking with Jesus. He asked me, "Child, what blocks you from having complete freedom in your life? What holds you back?"

What a loaded question. I sat for a moment thinking about it. Only in my dreams can my mind stop from the whirlwind of business in my crazy life. I started with the anxiety I feel when I am in front of people or have to give a presentation. Then I think about how I worry about am I the best mom, friend, daughter, sister, cousin, leader, co-worker that I can be. What do people think that I am? Am I too quiet, do I complain too much, set the right example for my kids? Am I a good enough Christian? Is God proud of me? And there it was.

What blocks me from complete freedom is my biggest fear. My desire to be accepted.

Now at first, I thought this was a desire to be accepted by people. The pressure to be something/someone different for everyone in my life that I encounter is overwhelming. Each requiring me to wear a slightly different hat while maintaining the core of who I am, is that possible? And if so, am I doing it well? At this point in my thought process, as Jesus is just waiting for my answer, it hits me. I have been validated by my friends and family who love me unconditionally and I think I believe them. It boils down to this, does God accept me? So I tell him....

"I want you to be proud of me but I feel like I can never measure up. Half the time I feel like I'm a mess and getting it wrong. My worst fear is letting you down."

Like many dreams, I either forgot the ending or I woke up before He answered. But this morning I remember that I grabbed my phone during the night and typed a note that simply said, "Desire to be Accepted". So I started to meditate on that this morning.

"So now every righteous requirement of the law can be fulfilled through the Annointed One living his life in us. And we are free to live, not according to our flesh, but by the dynamic power of the Holy Spirit!"

For such a large part of my life I viewed God as mad, impersonal, his love for me based on my performance. Oh my goodness... this is SO far from the truth. In fact, it is in my weakness that his perfection shines the brightest. He chases after me! This broken vessel is his most cherished and if I fell a thousand times and stood back up, his hand would be extended as he smiled down on me. Who else is that dedicated and faithful to me? If I walk in that faith and believe it to my core, my biggest fear and the thing that holds me from my complete freedom will fall to the ground like chains being released.

What blocks you from your complete freedom?