Breaking Free from Anxiety

Once upon a time I was a young girl that was bold and free. I was a natural leader, the head of all of my "clubs" and as social as they came. Even in my young adult years I used to be invited to vendor conferences for my work and speak in front of large groups up to 100 people.

Something happened or maybe it was a series of events that changed something in me, or at least I thought it did. I became timid. I became fearful of being in front of groups of people. When asked to speak, on several occasions I was so shaken with fear and anxiety and my heart would race and words just wouldn't come out. I remember a specific occasion where I started speaking and was shaking so bad I was sure I was going to have to just hang up and give my notice and find a new job where I could just stay in the background.

Even when in conversation with people, I would feel the room closing in and I just knew I must look like a scared child, timid and afraid. Though most times I could mask my anxiety, the thoughts never left telling me I wasn't good enough and what must people think of me. This anxiety was not at a normal level, it was crippling and it had me in bondage. Maybe if you know me, you've never even noticed. If you did, don't tell me - haha!

"Then a man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, "Where are you?" He answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid." And he said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?" -Genesis 3: 8-11

Recently I read this passage again and my eyes were opened to a really important message in this story. God didn't ask where they were because he didn't know. He asked where they were in the sense that they weren't where HE put them. And to follow up, asking them who told them they were naked is like asking the question "If I made you naked, and yesterday it was ok, who told you today it was wrong today?"

At some point in my life, the enemy told me lies about my identity via an event or something someone said to me. But I wasn't created to be fearful! I am fearfully and wonderfully made! Believing that I have developed this fear and not claiming my identity in Christ is crippling me and preventing me from living out my destiny. And maybe more importantly, letting God search my heart and reveal those hidden places that have built up these walls of fear, while painful, are necessary.

Today, I still get the lump in my throat when asked to speak, but I am clothed with God's grace and strength and he is walking me out of this place of fear and into the fullness of his plan for me. That little girl, bold and free, is still here and breaking free.