Beautiful

In five days, on Mother's Day, it will have been a month since my mother passed. It hurts today like it did the day we lost her. After everything settled and I packed for my drive back to Florida, I couldn't even bring myself to take a few of her things...keepsakes. Perhaps taking these things would really solidify that she was gone. I settled on a pin I had worn to her viewing and a bottle of her perfume (Beautiful).

It's the weirdest thing to lose someone close to you. You think you know how you'll grieve but I'll tell you....it is nothing like you picture it to be. I don't know what others experience but sometimes she is still so real and present. Sometimes I hear her laugh or I can picture her facial expressions. Other times I pick up my phone and think about calling her just to hear her voice. Most of the time I feel fine until that moment that I just REALLY miss her..... and those are the moments that God catches my tears.

Tears. The moment my mother passed will probably forever be etched in my mind. My sister and I had been trying to have a conversation above the constant noise of the kids running about. My dad walked into the room to talk with us and suddenly we just all glanced down at my mother who had stopped breathing. Those next moments unfolded so quickly but I will never forget the single tears that fell from my mom's eyes. Unable to say a word, she left this world with two single tears. And as we caught this moment, and as one of my mentors had encouraged me "Don't Look Away", it was beautiful. I wondered how close we were to our Savior, our God. I wondered how He greeted her. I wonder if He was so close in that moment that perhaps he placed His hand on us, knowing that her homecoming would leave a hole in our lives...and He understood that pain.

In the following days, I would have almost answered my own question. My mother was a true disciple of Christ by the very definition. She dedicated her life to serving Him by serving others. My mother served quietly in ways that you didn't even know about. She was humble. She is everything I aspire to be.

Mom, you're not here to read this blog entry, but I am dedicating it to you this Mother's Day. You will forever be beautiful to me. I realized after you left us that your role as mom and wife were only one of the many purposes that God gave you. I wish you could see how many people reached out to tell us how you impacted their life and their journey. But I bet God told you....and I bet those tears were from pure joy of how beautiful that celebration was when you crossed over.

God, please let me have a portion of what you gave my mother. May her memories forever be living and present in my heart. Until we meet again.

Jennifer